Growing Pains

The last three years seemed like it had been the absolute worst case of writer’s block in aaaaaallllll of history. But alas, I’m not that special. Or am I? I did just use ‘alas’.
But I digress…… Welcome to the last three years in my head.

Once all the wine and misery worked its way out of my system when I quit drinking, I was shocked when not ALL the symptoms I’d blamed alcohol for didn’t all pack up and leave once I kicked him to the curb. (yes, alcohol is now a male ex. It’s funner that way!) .

Choosing to live without alcohol for me was choosing to live a life where I agreed to feeleverything. The fear, the love, the pain and the joy could no longer be terrors I ran from. I had to learn embrace each one. Which I did. But I hadn’t expected Anxiety to hang on. Or Depression. Rage bursting into the room unannounced, leaving me weeping for forgiveness after I finally reigned her in.

But then it was the tinnitus, vertigo, heart palpitations. Specialist after specialist, year after year, all to tell me I was “fine”. Depression lead to worse, which brought my doctor and I to a PMDD diagnosis (PMS on ‘roids) and prescribed an SSRI.

Then came tennis elbow. Frozen shoulder. Wait, what? I’ve heard that phrase
Night Sweats. My period started to come early after holding the timeliness of the moon for decades. Nah, it can’t be. It’s too early.

Nope. It wasn’t.

It was mother-frigging Perimenopause.

Are you still with me? Yeah, feels weird to read that word, right? It’s private and taboo, but for those of us of a certain algorithm (and symptom profile), its gaining popularity across media and I’m all for it! Getting diagnosed with Perimenopause took more than 5 years for me. And more than half a dozen doctors, doctor visits, missed work, and the generous cost of insurance and copays. And as much as I try to tell the young women in my life about what I’m going through, I know they don’t want to hear it. But just maybe, they’ll sit down and read it.

Maybe they won’t struggle, and sit on the sideline of life for as long as I did trying to figure it out.

The question I get asked the most is the hardest fucking question to answer on the spot! Why? Because 1) Brain Fog!

Let’s start from the Top, shall we? Brain fog makes me forget things so quickly, I wrote a reminder to myself to meet up with one of my bff’s two hours later. When she arrived she saw the note, “Did you have to remind yourself to hang out with me?”. Yes, queen. Yes, I did.

Brain Fog. It’s a shifty, shady mothafukka and I’m NOT a fan.

And it’s because of Brain Fog, I feel like I can never remember all the symptoms, and fail my friends by regurgitating the same crap as the commercials on TV. So, from top to bottom… let’s see.

The last six years have been a varietal onslaught of symptoms and learnings. Here’s the ones I can think of (today):

Head - dizziness, tinnitus, ITCHY EARS (thank you, heightened histamine response), vertigo

Hair - brittle as dry spagetti in a baby’s hands, falling into the bathroom sink slowly; receding hairline, but also the ‘tinsel’ colored strands I love <3

Heart - palpitations/irregular heartbeat. Emotionally - RAGE. In all it’s earthshattering strength, throughout my entire body, though I’d have little clue why. Worse PMS than my teen years. Worthlessness, unneeded. Overwhelmed. Anxiety, depression, PMDD, suicidal ideations, low / declining / no libido.

Skin - Itchy skin, nerve ‘tingles’ in hands and ankles / electric shocks, entirely new (arm)pit stink! Hot flashes, night sweats, drastic reactions to small tempature changes that trigger panic attacks (yeah, that’s a thing!)

Gastro - indigestion, acid reflux, bloating

Urinary - needing to pee constantly and with short warning, leakage - I’m not proper because I cross my legs to cough or sneeze. I’m just trying not to piss myself in front of you.

Vaginal - dryness, pain with sex, itch, and prolapse feelings

Musculoskeletal - frozen shoulder (pretty damn hard to hold my mountain bike bars when I could raise my arms more than Frankenstein’s monster); stiff connective tissues (rope-like feel, no flexibility), muscle loss and weakened grip, tennis elbow, balance issues, and slower recovery time

But, there have been wins, too!

Diagnosis meant treatment options! With meds, some bifocals, and some fresh shaggy bangs from my girl Aimee, it’s an entirely new game.

The rage eventually receded once medicated but opened the door for me to learn Clarity. I’m learning Confidence by way of defiance. Learning to question all the rules and how to break them. How to recognize the truth about myself and write new rules for my future. I’m growing a backbone, cutting out what’s unnecessary to make room for what makes me smile.

Me. What makes ME smile.

I’m not sure I ever thought like that before. Sure, I’ve always explored and found things I like, but now it’s hazelnut spread on toast for no reason other than I wanted to taste it. Funky shoes because they make my feet dance or learning to play the drums just to get over my ‘need’ to be silent. It’s all for me. It’s intentional and spiritual and one of the most healing things I’ve ever done for myself.

Vintage looking image of female in roller skates and the phrase “Stop trying to fit in when you were born to stand out”

I’m tapping into my own creativity again and unleashing my personal style. Most of all, I’m finding that inner voice again. And with my slew of doctors, I use that voice to lead each conversation with my perimenopausal symptoms so we can think of all the various symptoms at play on any given day. I highly recommend ALL women do this to help get the right treatments before they impact your life in major ways.

Forget that ‘HRT - breast cancer’ bull shit. Catch up on modern science, learn the true risks and benefits, as well as the wide variety of options you have to care for yourself and your changing hormones! LEARN everything you can! This can be up to 10 years of your life - don’t go into it a victim as I did. Enter this version of puberty with more tools than you had when you first went into puberty. More tools, and your freedom to choose and try different things.

Just take care of yourself. Don’t give up. You are NOT your erratic hormones. But, if you’re stuck in the backseat while those MF’ers take the wheel, it’s going to be a wild, sometimes scary ride.

Since I can’t leave you without some of my favorite resources, check them out below! (none are sponsored, but all have benefited me completely!)

Love,

just another c@nt in cougar puberty

My Personal Recommendations
“Balance: A Perimenopause Journey” - Docuseries (4 pts) on Apple TV (and maybe that jungle one)
“The Perimenopause Survival Guide” - Heather Hirsh

“The Menopause Brain: New Science Empowers Women to Navigate the Pivotal Transition with Knowledge and Confidence” - Lisa Mosconi